A Technical Review: Unicorn Onesie

Kristina the Unicorn and Rosie the Riveter

If you're in the market for an adult onesie, but are holding out due to performance concerns, I'm here to help. I recently tested the Unicorn Onesie at 10,000 feet in Washington's most unforgiving wilderness: Mt. Rainier. Read on for all of the beta on the technical performance of a Unicorn Onesie in the backcountry.

If I had to boil my review down to one sentence, I'd say: You should absolutely buy an adult onesie because the price to fun ratio cannot be beat, just don't expect any technical performance out of it whatsoever.

Look how much fun I'm having!

The "Product"
The UBeauty Unisex-adult Kigurumi Onesie Unicorn Pajamas has 4.5/5 stars as reviewed by current Amazon customers. One happy customer called it "fun, entertaining, and great to curl up in." Another said, "Everyone needs a unicorn in their life!". Since I only listen to strangers on the internet, of course I ordered one. Naturally I got turquoise, because the purple and pink options are stupid.

Features
Allegedly made out of flannel, the fleenal (what I'm calling a combination of fleece and flannel) onesie comes equipped with one yellow unicorn horn, two eyes, two ears, and a floppy mouth. Oh, and it has an awesome pink mowhawk which matches a pink tail, both made out of the softest materials imaginable.

Uni, as I affectionately call her, also comes with 5 buttons for easy on-and-off access (assuming you aren't wearing shoes), which also come in handy when you have a pee funnel and don't want to take off your whole ensemble to use it.

Uni also has a secret feature - POCKETS! These shallow wonders are a perfect place to put your cell phone if you want it to fall out while you're walking around. You can store anything you brought but don't really need: a headlamp, extra batteries, sun screen, hand sanitizer, Grandpa Max, lotion, and much, much MORE!

Features GALORE on this baby!

Fit
No one looks good in Uni. Do not expect it to make your ass look good or your stomach look trim. Much like the coutur fashion runways, you are not supposed to look good. You are making a goddamn statement, okay!?

I digress.

As a person who suffers from shortness, I ordered a small. This was a mistake, as apparently I have very obese wrists and ankles. I might have ripped the cuffs putting it on.... When you order your own Uni (which you will), I recommend going up a size - especially if you plan to venture into the backcountry to allow for bountiful layering options.

Mobility
What it lacks in fit, Uni makes up for in mobility. You can lunge, lounge, crab walk, rock climb, ski, and pee standing up to your heart's content. Need to do a cartwheel? No problem (assuming you can actually do one...), Uni has you covered. Just don't fall in the snow or you will be wet. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Check out that mobility! Here's Uni going for a ski bottom-left.

Insulation & Breathability
Made of fleenal, Uni is quite insulataive - assuming it's not raining or windy or snowing, and assuming you aren't in an active hurricane/volcano. I guess what I'm saying is, Uni makes an excellent sleep outfit for camping in the mountains, but not much else. It's completely penetrable to wind, does not protect against precipitation of any kind, and becomes quite water-logged if you take a quick nap on the snow (not that I would know).

It is, however, quite breathable. You can fart in it and everyone will immediately know. Which is a nice bonding experience when you spend too much time in the mountains with people like to play "whoever smelt it dealt it."

If you need to stay dry and are suffering from altitude sickness while wearing Uni, pass out in a tent or you will get wet.

Weight & Packability
I have no idea how much Uni weighs. A pound? Two? Maybe only like 8 oz? It doesn't matter because you will carry it anyway.

It's also not very pack-able, but given it's enormity it'll surely reduce the amount of space in your backpack, leaving you even less space for group gear. This is good for you becuase group gear is heavy and it's more fun to watch your teammates suffer as you stroll along enjoying the lightness of your pack.

When you bring a onesie, famous skiers like Lynsey Dyer will kiss you on the cheek.

Verdict? Buy one. Buy one right now. I mean, you don't want to be like these losers (photo below) who had to improvise a unicorn horn because they came unprepared?

Little girls shouldn't grow up without Uni in their lives.

Look at little McKinley. She's 8, and already a master of wearing pink and rocking the unicorn horn. Her life would only get richer with the addition of Uni to her life.

Next up - the skiing t-rex. Because: dinosaurs.

Yulia stealing Lynsey's skis for a trip down the snowfield.