13 November 2014

75 Steps to Becoming a True Seattlelite

Awesome poster from Ork Photos
Ahh Seattle. The land of perpetual rain and grey skies where sunshine dare not enter. Home to tech giants Amazon and Microsoft and the awkward tech-nerds who come with them. A city of hipsters wearing socks with sandals and talking about how much growing their own organic tomatoes makes them feel more connected to mother earth or some such bullshit. Oh, and traffic. Seattle has really, really terrible traffic.

Despite all of these negative associations, out-of-towners are discovering and moving to Seattle at an alarming rate. With only a few 'local's left, Seattle is becoming a city of transplants - I know folks from Wisconsin, Idaho, California, Massachusetts, and all of the other states I can't remember right now. I must confess that even I am a transplant (Montana). But having lived here for the entirety of my post-high school, adult life, I feel I have 12+ years of qualifications making me fit to identify what it means to be a true Seattlelite.

One of Seattle's most recent "acquisitions" is my friend Lisa, who moved here in February from Schaumburg, Illinois (for those of you without Google Maps, it's a far-out suburb of Chicago). She's now the proud owner of a Washington State driver's license (and license plates!) and is well on her way to becoming a Seattle native. Sure, she still owns an umbrella and doesn't know how to parallel park, but she's WORKING ON IT! Okay!?

Prior to her arrival I started sending her a list of things she needed to do when she got here. Visit the market, walk through the arboretum....you know the drill. This list eventually morphed into a gift idea (I like doing nice things for people sometimes) and thus became the 75 Steps to Becoming a True Seattlelite. Like any great list, I had help and asked my friends for their own ideas of things that are uniquely Seattle. They delivered, and this list wouldn't have been possible without the brain-grapes from Allen, Allison, Hexar, Jason, and Q, who gave me fantastically creative and funny suggestions. Thank you.

Then I took all of the ideas and sorted them into five categories of ascending 'Seattleness':
  1. Total Noob
  2. Greenlake Power Walker
  3. Hipster In Training
  4. Chicken Coop Owner
  5. True Seattlelite
I found some sweet photos on the internet, did some inDesign-ing, and voila! The official list was created. I bought the neighborhood map (pictured above), printed my own creation, had both framed, and presented it to Lisa as a birthday gift approximately 2-months after her birthday because life is hard and I can't do everything on time all the time. But now, in celebration of my own-half birthday today I share with you this amazing list.

You're welcome internet.

Click to enlarge and zoom in
©Kristina Ciari, 2014


Allison Lee said...

I am one of the Original Flavor Seattlelites!!! Born n raised! Awesome list too.

Kathleen Vickers said...

This is fantastic Kristina! According to this though, I'm still somewhere between a Hipster in Training and a Chicken Coop Owner...despite having lived in WA for 16 years. =/ Guess I have some things to add to my bucket list!

Houston Wade said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Houston Wade said...

I am pretty sure I knocked off three quarters of these while still in the womb ;)

Anonymous said...

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.



Captain Obvious said...

So, you "boycott" American women by clearly stalking them online, reading their stories, and then posting this "I'm not looking" message on their blogs?

Um, makes sense...