31 December 2013

How To Cure A Hangover

Hangovers. They suck, and they get worse as you get older. Long gone are the carefree days of college where you could drink 5 nights a week and wake up every morning like a champ. Nope, you only get so many freebies, and you my friend, are out.

The Symptoms: You wake up from the sheer pounding of blood gurgling through your brain-box with liquid-fire intensity. You take some aspirin, chug more water, and lie in bed wallowing in your own misery. In the moment, this is the WORST hangover you have EVER had. You swear even your hair hurts. Only one thing is certain: you are never. drinking. again!

But then things get worse. You come to the sudden, incomprehensible realization that you cannot fall back to sleep. In fact, nothing you do will lull you into the sweet, blissful, pain-free slumber for which you are so deeply longing.

What now?

Now... now you start on The 5 S's.

I wish I could take credit for this theory, but I was introduced to it by my friend Johnny. We've known each other for going on 15 years now, and for the past 10ish years we've been fine tuning this theory; 60% of the time it works every time.

Here are the 5 S's guaranteed to cure any hangover:

SHIT: This should be pretty self explanatory. Everyone knows the sweet relief of taking a good alcohol poo, as well as the sad disappointment of unfruitful trips to the porcelain throne. Your body is full of toxins, and assuming you don't have Ipacec handy (or an otherwise method to induce vomiting), shitting is the most effective way to purge your body of all that nastiness.

Bonus: when you're done you can say you "shat" and give yourself a high-five. So what are you waiting for? Grab a magazine (don't lie - you poop with your iPhone) and get to it!

Please do remember to be kind to your housemate/stall-partner and execute a few courtesy flushes. A good alcohol poo can be completely noxious and stink up an entire apartment floor for half a day when not handled with the utmost consideration.

SHOWER: Something about the combination of heat + water + gentle pounding on the outside of your already pounding-on-the-inside scull = Oh God I Feel SO MUCH Better! Reward yourself with a little extra shampoo and really go to town with a scalp massage. Be liberal with the soap. You reek of alcohol and you'll need to scrub it out. Use a loofah. A loofah is your friend and can help remove that wrist stamp from the night before. Don't leave your inky tramp stamp, claiming it was "too hard to scrub off". It's tacky and makes you look like a douche. 

Ladies - this is your opportunity to rid your face of the makeup you were too drunk to deal with last night. Gentlemen - now you can cry angry 'tears of regret' in peace for making a stupid ass in front of the cute girl at the bar. Everyone - enjoy this shower. It just might be the highlight of your day.

SWEAT: It seems counter-intuitive to get all sweaty right after you've showered, but trust me on this one, you need the shower to motivate you do do anything but sit on the couch all day. And now that you've done a little cleaning on the inside (shit) and you're clean on the outside (shower), it's time to get sweaty. Take heed to remember the water in > water out equation. You're trying to get bad stuff out of your body, but you need to be refilling as you go.

Highly recommended sweating activities include: running, arduous hiking, skinning up the side of a mountain, cycling, sitting in a sauna while drinking a gallon of water, anything you can do while wearing a camelback. Guzzle from the hose as if your very life depended on it.

Not recommended sweating activities include: leading a rock climb, hot yoga, playing in a park with children, sitting in a hot tub, anything that requires a high level of focus. There's nothing worse than needing to vomit when you're halfway up a rock face and a fall would mean catastrophic bodily harm. Not that I know from experience or anything... 

SEX: I'm no scientist, but apparently sexual pleasure is associated with the release of dopamine in the brain. And as I learned in high school chemistry or something, dopamine is a natural mood enhancer AND works as a pain reliever. Talk about a twofer! Use this knowledge as your official hall pass to just go to town in search of the dopamine boost that, if executed properly, will surpass the shower as the highlight of your day.

Don't have a horizontal gymnastics partner right now? That's okay. I have reviewed the rule book and solo sex sessions totally count. As does group sex. And exhibitionist sex. And dungeons and dragons sex. The 4th S is for anyone and everyone. Do whatever makes you feel better you filthy, saucy minx. Hop to it kids - just remember, safety FIRST!

SANDWICH: All of this pooping and showering and sweating and sexing is bound to make someone hungry! Sandwich - the last and final stage of your hangover cure - is the sign that you are almost out of the woods. Finally feeling ready to eat is a REALLY good sign. Just be careful not to let Hangry (hungry+angry) creep up on you. ANTICIPATE your sandwich need the night before and do yourself a solid by having some greasy food in the house (or nearby) so that you don't have to focus your eyeballs enough to drive to a store/dive bar.

A sandwich can be a literal sandwich, or anything that makes you feel better after a night of drinking. Some people crave healthy food, while others swear by the restorative power of a protein-filled omelet. I've heard friends wax poetic about food-truck burritos for hours. Personally, there's nothing better than the sweet, milky taste of a Dick's shake sliding down my throat. Although when geographically feasible, I will always go for some quick In-N-Out.

Regardless of your poison remedy (literally - alcohol is poison), the important point is to get some food in your belly. It will soak up the lingering alcohol remnants and give you the energy you'll need to make it through the rest of this godforsaken day.

So that's it. There you have it. The 5 S's in all their glory.

We (Johnny and myself) encourage you to get creative with these 5 S's. Why not try for more than one at a time? Shower while eating a sandwich. Shit while having sex (no judgement - see above - some people are into that). Take a sweaty shower. You can get creative in other ways too - save the planet by showering with a friend for the environment. Or, aspire to achieve the ultimate TRIFECTA: sweaty shower sex. 

If all else fails there is a secret 6th S: sleep. After all that work to get the 5 S's, you bet your hangover you'll be able to go back to sleep. And after a sweet cat nap, you should be right as rain.

Of course, if you're a doctor you can just stick a banana bag in your arm and all of these recommendations are irrelevant. But I'm going to assume most of you don't have access to IV Fluid at the ready, so....the 5 S's are your RX.

Happy Drinking!


Anonymous said...

Wow, quite a theory, and I can't honestly recall if I've ever succeeded in achieving all 5, though I'm sure I have at some point....I probably finally fell asleep ;) S4 should come with a warning! I've had hangovers so bad the final win may actually make your head explode in vicious pain. Maybe its some form of coital cephalalgia, I don't know, but it does suggest that there may be an ideal order to this operation, and on second glance, maybe you nailed it. Nevertheless, I'm now almost looking forward to January 1.

Norman Smith said...

I hate hangover as I hate headaches a lot!
how to cure a hangover