13 August 2013

Running a Beer Mile

The only thing you need to know about a beer mile is that you do not need to be good at running to be good at running a beer mile. You just need to be good at drinking. Specifically, beer drinking.


Here's what you need to know about a beer mile: it involves chugging four beers and running four quarter miles in the shortest amount of time possible. Chug a beer, run a lap, chug a beer, run a lap....four beers, four laps. You get the picture.

The beer mile was invented by someone AWESOME. Probably a dude-bro frat boy who drank too much Budweiser during pledge week. That's what I like to tell myself at least.

The fastest beer mile ever recorded was 5:05 (unofficially). You read that correctly. Someone (an Olympian no less) ran a mile AND drank 4 beers in just over five minutes. And they recorded it in this youtube video.

Last weekend I ran a beer mile with some friends to celebrate a birthday! Our starting lineup did not, sadly, contain any Olympian,s past or present. No, our motley crew was decidedly more of the weekend yogger variety. The competitors consisted of 10-finishers (I think?) all pictured below. Notice I was the only female to finish. More on that in a bit.

The boyz. Beer Mile sponsored by birthday boy Adam at bottom center.

Because everything is better in a tutu

We convened at Greenlake Park at 5pm to beer mile on the dirt track. Our staging (read: beer chugging) area was tucked away at the west end of the track, semi-conspicuously under some low hanging branches. With the rules explained (there's only one important rule: no puking or you're DQ'd [or given the option to drink an extra beer, blegh]), we all selected our drink of choice and raised our cans in honor of Adam's Birthday.

With a 3...2...1... countdown we cracked the cans of carbonated goodness and launched into chug fest.

Chug, chug, chug

Kevin was off to a fast start, followed shortly by Brian and then Jason. I fell toward the back of the pack, but managed to beat the other girls out of the gate and was back in for beer #2 before they finished their first lap (hey, small victories, okay?). Beer #2 went down easily enough for all the competitors, and everyone came in feeling pretty good after the second lap.

Then it was on to beer #3. Oh how different beer #3 is from beer #2. You start in on #2 and you are feeling good. Barely even full. But then...then #3 hits you like a bat to the FACE!

I did NOT want to drink beer #3. I think Brian's expression below really showcases the struggle of beer #3.

So. Full.

By now people were dropping like flies. The three other girls had long since bailed, and I was even beating a few of the boys. My beer chugging skills are sub-par at best, but at least this is where my running skillz (yes, skillz with a Z!) helped me out, as I was handily able to run each lap in about 90 seconds.

The 4th and final beer was a nail biter, at least for second place. With Kevin well in the lead, Brian and Jason did their best to put back beer #4 for second place. Now I should mention that...well, skip ahead if you are squeamish....I should mention that Brian was able to get everything down....but he may have had to swallow a few things a second time. Thankfully he powered through, because I'm pretty sure if he had blown, he would have taken the rest of us with him.

Brian and Jason, beer #4

I came in from my 3rd lap just as the boys were finishing beer #4. I took one look at them and promptly went to lay down on the grass. To say I was FULL would be a complete understatement. I couldn't even look at another Coors Light. Couldn't. Even. Look at it.

I'm gunna need a minute

But then, well ... then THIS happened:

That's right, I was peer pressured into finishing the race when all I wanted to do was throw in the towel. Stupid boys and their silly mind games about male superiority.

Number 4

BUUUT I pulled one out for females everywhere and put that beer to shame. It may have taken me 10 minutes, but I somehow made room for that 48th ounce of carbonated goodness in my 5'2" (and a half!) foot frame and started booking it around the track. I finished at a sub 7-minute pace (click tracker below for more details)! If that doesn't say #WINNING I'm not sure what does.

Full, and, well yes drunk, I was very happy to be done and helped cheer on the final finishers. Then birthday boy Adam and I noticed that our outfits were opposite-matched and so we had to take a jumping picture. Naturally.

Jumping for Joy! And for birthdays! And for beer miles!

4 laps of awesome! Happy Birthday Adam!

After the epic beer mile we all walked (safety FIRST) back to Adam's house and continued our celebrating with burgers, birthday cake, and yes, surprisingly more BEER! While I'm not clamoring to do another beer run any time soon, this was a fantastic way to celebrate a birthday, and it's certainty something I'd recommend everyone try once in their lifetime. At the very least, it's a very efficient way to get a buzz.

Oh, and a huge congrats to our winner Kevin, who finished in 9:23! An honorable mention goes to Jason and Brian, who fought hard for 2nd (Jason ultimately won out when Brian lost time with his near-vomiting), finishing in close succession around the 10 minute mark! All of the standout performances received commemorative tank tops (as this was Adam's 4th Annual Birthday Beer Mile). Looking forward to watching from the stands next year!

Thoughtful Adam, while the rest of us do pukey faces. I have classy friends.

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